Someone once said to me, that most people have a miserable time at
Christmas. Now while this isn’t true for everyone, to me it highlights
the gap between the hype and the reality for many people. Spending time with family over the Christmas period can re-ignite old
difficulties and familiar patterns of relating. And any cracks in your
relationships, deepen as you spend a greater amount of time together. It
may be hard to admit to mixed feelings about spending time with family.
You are supposed to look forward to it, but difficulties from the past
often re-emerge at Christmas.
If you are on your own, Christmas can heighten feelings of loss and isolation. But, frankly speaking: It is NOT for me! I almost always spent Christmas Day alone, but at least I have work and keep busying myself with deadline. I could have visited my
family, but I chose not to: I preferred to see my family at times other
than Christmas, without the stress of holiday travel/ high expectations/
December in the Midwest. And I could have visited any number of friends
who were having Christmas Day gatherings. But I didn’t. This time at the Christmas Eve, I'm wondering.. Maybe I loved spending Christmas Day alone, or maybe I'm too indie to celebrate this day?
Christmas Day was my day of peace and quiet. Christmas Day was the day I
spent reading books people had given me, watched any of my favorite Christmas Movies, listening to CDs people had
given me, eating leftovers from Christmas Eve dinner. I’d talk to
friends and family on the phone… but otherwise, Christmas Day was the
day that I fed my introverted brain with all the downtime it wanted.
Here’s the reason I bring this up:
The one thing that sucked about spending Christmas Day alone was the
way other people reacted to it. The one thing that sucked about spending
Christmas Day alone was the expectation that of course you want to
spend Christmas Day with family and/ or friends… and that you were a big
sad loser if you spent it alone. The one thing that sucked about
spending Christmas Day alone was the cultural trope that the only
possible reason anyone would spend Christmas Day alone was that they had
no family, no friends, nobody who cared about them, no other choice.
I remember in particular one phone conversation I had on one
particular Christmas Day. I was doing the rounds of Christmas phone
calls, and one of the people I was talking to asked what I was doing
that day. I said that I was just hanging around reading books and eating
leftovers. And they said, in a voice filled with horror and shock, “ALONE?!? You’re not spending Christmas alone, are you?” - Up until that moment, I’d felt fine about spending Christmas alone.
I’d felt more than fine about it. I’d felt positive and happy about it.
I’d been looking forward to my Christmas day alone almost as much as I’d
been looking forward to my Christmas Eve of food and festivity and
boisterous social chaos. But as soon as I heard, “You’re not spending
Christmas alone, are you?”, I suddenly felt ashamed. I actually
wound up lying, just to stop the horrified sympathy: I told them I was
alone at the moment, but had plans to go visit friends later in the day.
This person’s concern — and I do think it was genuine, well-meaning
concern — about me not being a big sad loser on Christmas… it was
exactly the thing that made me feel like a big sad loser. (And if I had,
in fact, felt sad about being alone on Christmas Day, this would have
made me feel even worse.)
I know, from what I’ve been told, that I’m not the only one to feel
pressured about not spending Christmas alone. I know that this pressure
to not spend Christmas alone is felt even by people who don’t care about
Christmas. Even people who don’t come from a Christian background,
religiously or culturally, get hit with this “You’re not spending
Christmas alone, are you?!?!” thing. And I know I’m not the only one
who’s been made to feel ashamed about spending Christmas alone, even if
they personally were fine with it.
So I want to say two things:
One: If you have people in your life who may be spending Christmas
alone — please don’t make them feel bad about it. Sure, extend an
invitation if you’re having a gathering. But please don’t frame it with,
“You don’t have to spend Christmas alone.” Please don’t frame it with
the “You don’t have to be a big sad loser who can’t even find anyone to
cadge an invitation from on Christmas” trope. Please don’t frame it as
“You poor thing, we’ll invite you to join us out of charity.” Frame it
as, “We would love to have your company if you’d like to join us.” (And
if they say “No, thank you” accept it.)
And two: If you’re spending Christmas Day alone, I hope you have a
good one. Whether you care about Christmas, or you don’t give a damn
about Christmas and as far as you’re concerned today is Wednesday and
why the hell are all the stores closed… I hope you have a great day
today, on these Christmas Day.
Well, to those who celebrate it, HAVE A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!
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